So the letter writing commences. Haha. This letter will not be as lighthearted as some of my other ones because I’ve got some confessions to make. I don’t have the courage to say it online (when we chat) because I just want to spill it out in one go. I just want to vent without an immediate response. At first, I didn’t wanna voice it out because it just made everything real. But hiding it doesn’t make it disappear, it just masks what is underneath. I also realized that we’re going through the same stuff. So I might as well share it with you that maybe, we can understand each other.
I know you’re experiencing anxiety and depression and I do too. Especially around December. Exam season na nga, malamig pa and it’s Christmas but it doesn’t feel like Christmas. I get stressed when I study for exams because I’m scared of failure. It feels like nothing is going in and it’s pointless to study because I’m going to fail anyway. So I get anxious that I sometimes have panic attacks. No one in my family knows. Actually, no one knows but you. I know I’ve told you this before but not in detail.
In England, it gets darker earlier during the winter and the temperature never goes above 10 degrees Celsius. It doesn’t aid the depression. Everything is dark and gloomy. You look outside and everything is grey and dead and you think, what am I doing in my life? Why am I going through these hard things when I’m going to die in the end anyway? Yeah, you start getting philosophical.
But the worst is that it’s Christmas but it doesn’t feel like Christmas. There’s no decorations, no Christmas songs on the radio, no family, no friends - walang Christmas spirit. And it gets very lonely. Mom’s always at work - which of course she has to do since she provides for us. Dad works - if you can call what he does work - but he mostly bums around. My sister’s stuck on her phone, watching stupid videos on youtube. youtube. And I’m stuck with school work and stress. Kami na nga lang pamilya, hindi pa kami nag-kikitakita or nag-kikibuan. Mom tries her best by putting up a Christmas tree and Christmas lights but it’s just not there.
So yeah, I’m anxious, depressed and lonely.
Also, now that I’m in college, I’ve got friends pero I can’t connect with them. They talk about all of these things, non-school related, and I don’t get it. They’ve got inside jokes that I don’t get. I just feel left put and isolated. That I don’t belong. It’s frustrating. And when I talk, it’s like they don’t listen and they don’t care. They also talk behind each other’s backs. I’m pretty sure they talk about me when I’m not there too.
That’s it. That’s all I want to say that I can’t say when we’re chatting. I just realized that hindi lang ikaw yung may anxieties, ako rin. Abd as your friend, I want you to feel better. I don’t want to know you’re suffering because being depressed is such a bitch, I don’t know how to help you, exactly. But hopefully when we talk, instead of getting more anxious, you feel better.
I wish I was there! I miss you!