Read Me Like An Open Book

A letter to my friend

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 17:06:58 -0400

So the letter writing commences. Haha. This letter will not be as lighthearted as some of my other ones because I’ve got some confessions to make. I don’t have the courage to say it online (when we chat) because I just want to spill it out in one go. I just want to vent without an immediate response. At first, I didn’t wanna voice it out because it just made everything real. But hiding it doesn’t make it disappear, it just masks what is underneath. I also realized that we’re going through the same stuff. So I might as well share it with you that maybe, we can understand each other.

I know you’re experiencing anxiety and depression and I do too. Especially around December. Exam season na nga, malamig pa and it’s Christmas but it doesn’t feel like Christmas. I get stressed when I study for exams because I’m scared of failure. It feels like nothing is going in and it’s pointless to study because I’m going to fail anyway. So I get anxious that I sometimes have panic attacks. No one in my family knows. Actually, no one knows but you. I know I’ve told you this before but not in detail.

In England, it gets darker earlier during the winter and the temperature never goes above 10 degrees Celsius. It doesn’t aid the depression. Everything is dark and gloomy. You look outside and everything is grey and dead and you think, what am I doing in my life? Why am I going through these hard things when I’m going to die in the end anyway? Yeah, you start getting philosophical.

But the worst is that it’s Christmas but it doesn’t feel like Christmas. There’s no decorations, no Christmas songs on the radio, no family, no friends - walang Christmas spirit. And it gets very lonely. Mom’s always at work - which of course she has to do since she provides for us. Dad works - if you can call what he does work - but he mostly bums around. My sister’s stuck on her phone, watching stupid videos on youtube. youtube. And I’m stuck with school work and stress. Kami na nga lang pamilya, hindi pa kami nag-kikitakita or nag-kikibuan. Mom tries her best by putting up a Christmas tree and Christmas lights but it’s just not there.

So yeah, I’m anxious, depressed and lonely.

Also, now that I’m in college, I’ve got friends pero I can’t connect with them. They talk about all of these things, non-school related, and I don’t get it. They’ve got inside jokes that I don’t get. I just feel left put and isolated. That I don’t belong. It’s frustrating. And when I talk, it’s like they don’t listen and they don’t care. They also talk behind each other’s backs. I’m pretty sure they talk about me when I’m not there too.

That’s it. That’s all I want to say that I can’t say when we’re chatting. I just realized that hindi lang ikaw yung may anxieties, ako rin. Abd as your friend, I want you to feel better. I don’t want to know you’re suffering because being depressed is such a bitch, I don’t know how to help you, exactly. But hopefully when we talk, instead of getting more anxious, you feel better.

I wish I was there! I miss you!

Love,

anonymouslyJanie

Rob's Story Blog: A Long Overdue Update

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 16:42:30 -0400

Rob's Story Blog: A Long Overdue Update:

Good news from Rob!! :D Can’t wait!! And I would totally buy your books! They would be worth my money.

robcub32:

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted, but I’ve been pretty busy. I’ve had some personal/work changes and things are getting a lot better there.

I haven’t totally neglected my writing, though. I am currently working on a book that I am hoping to have published.

I’m also wrapping up a…

Photo

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 10:44:08 -0500

"Timber Pack Chronicles" eBook

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 10:40:23 -0500

robcub32:

Download Timber Pack Chronicles in eBook format.

You can load the EPUB file directly into iTunes to read in iBooks on the iPad or iPhone. You can also read it on an eBook reader such as the Barnes and Noble nook.

If you use a Kindle, download the MOBI file and email it to your Kindle personal documents email address.

Download the files from my EBOOK repository here:

http://www.zumodrive.com/share/ewpsZTE2ZT

Here are direct links to the files: EPUB - MOBI

Rob, the ePubs aren’t there anymore..

I HATE MY FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mon, 29 Aug 2011 17:23:17 -0400

Might expand on this in a while, I don’t know.

Confusing financial hell

Mon, 29 Aug 2011 17:18:00 -0400

Okay, so I’ve basically created this account so I can bitch, rant and vent out my frustrations.

This account is supposed to be anonymous but I guess I should disclose a few details about me so that my readers - if there are any - can better understand me.

Jane Smith is an incoming university student in England. And as everyone knows, being a university student - especially in today’s economic climate - doesn’t come cheap.

And this was how I found myself in the predicament of being in debt - and I haven’t started school yet.

I opened a bank account and obtained a £200 overdraft limit. This means if I have £0 in my account, I have £200 which I can spend and pay back in my own time, as I have the privilege of having 0% interest on it.

One can say I’m high-maintenance, and I used this money to buy certain things: MAC makeup, Clinique products, new clothes because i’ve decided to revamp my whole wardrobe. And this was how I found myself £200 in debt.

I have a part-time job. However, whenever I decide to pay my overdraft, I manage to spend it on things that I don’t even need. I have no idea why I do it as well. I diagnosed myself of having a compulsive spending disorder.

So, I’m worried to go into university with a £200 debt already and I still haven’t bought books for school or an annual bus pass.

But the thing that bothers me is my family situation. See, we’re first-generation immigrants. My mother is a nurse and my father has a low-paying job in a supermarket. My mother is the breadwinner of the family, my father earns about 1/8th of what my mother earns.

I took a job so I wouldn’t put much burden on my mother. As I’ve said, I’m high-maintenance and by getting a job, I don’t have to ask my mother for money. Sometimes, I lend my mother money if she needs it and it makes me proud of myself - because somehow, I’m helping my mother in our expenses.

My father on the other hand, could care less. He constantly drinks every weekend, he’s loud, he doesn’t care for his children: he lives like he’s still a bachelor. What I hate about it is he’s almost 50 years old and he still hasn’t realized that his priorities should be family first.

I have a brother who is 6 years old who lives in the country we come from, partly because my mother can’t care for him because she’s busy with work at night and in the morning she catches up with sleep and I’m busy with school and my father really couldn’t care less. The other reason is that my mother doesn’t want my brother to adopt my father’s attitude - basically an asshole. Have I said I hate my father?

Anyways, the point is, shouldn’t my father do anything in his power to find another job and help support the family instead of relying on my mother who’s literally breaking her back from working almost 6 nights every week while still having to do the housework? Shouldn’t he provide money so that I can pay for my education and yes, expenses, that our family has?

Maybe it’s me that’s the problem for spending money on clothes and make-up instead of saving money for my education - but my point is, shouldn’t my father at least try to earn as much as my mother so that he’s fully able to support the family - so that his children wouldn’t stress out so much as I am now?

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

Mon, 29 Aug 2011 16:38:47 -0400

Books. I adore books.

A New Beginning

Mon, 29 Aug 2011 16:27:45 -0400

So, I’ve read somewhere that it’s unhealthy to keep pent-up emotions and frustrations within oneself, so I’ve decided to set up an anonymous blog.

Like many of you, I have a tumblr with a real identity. I am a real person. However, there are some thoughts that one cannot express using their real persona, and so, they adopt a facade - a mask - in which they can hide behind so they can voice their thoughts. Thoughts that may offend, be too personal or ones they simply cannot share with the world.

Our true selves are divided; we have a persona that we display to the outside world that fit a certain stereotype (the blonde cheerleader, the geeky, smart girl, the bookish, quiet girl, the slutty girl, etc.) and there’s that person who we truly are on the inside - someone more complex than the facade she chooses to show the world.

And so, this is the facade I choose to adpot and you’re welcome to read my thoughts like an open book.